(V~MySilentUndoing~V){Bella Swan}

[Bella Swan]

Time: 8:12 pm
Mood: Numb and Confused
Song of the Day:

No Air - Jordin Sparks ft. Chris Brown

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air

If I should die before I wake
It's 'cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air
Oh

I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave
My heart won't move, it's incomplete
If there was a way that I can make you understand

But how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
It's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gonna be without me
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe
It's no air, no air

Let me start by saying that I haven't done this since I was 12, so I'm not completely sure how well it's going to turn out.

The purpose of this little notebook is to document. I figure that if these are going to be my last few months as a human, than I'm going to record them. I'm going to need some way to remember my life, aren't I?

Not only that but I've been feeling so stressed lately and I'm almost positive that people are sick of my complaining. As a way to get everything off of my mind, I'm going to put it on paper. My only hopes are that nobody finds this. I like how Edward can't read my mind and Charlie would check me into an asylum.

So here we go... into my head...

I'm not even sure what to think anymore. It's almost as if the world has been flipped upside down and I'm the only one left right side up. Then again, I guess that means that I'm the one that's upside down, doesn't it?

Two years ago, if someone told me that I was going to be "engaged" to a Vampire, willing to become a Vampire, have a Werewolf... best friend? soulmate?... and be on the royal Vampire's hit-list, I would have suggested that they seek immediate help and walked as fast as possible in the opposite direction. Yet, oddly enough... I couldn't see my life any other way...

...Almost. Like, it would be friggen sweet if the Vampires and Werewolves got along. My God, things would be so much easier.

That's one thing that life isn't at the moment, easy. In the past 6 moths, I have had to make so many decisions. And I'm not talking about what College to attend. Decisions like... well, let me list a few:

Ugh. All of it is in relation to everything else. It nearly makes my head hurt to think about thinking about it. I haven't even made my mind up about half of it.

I do not want to get married. I DO NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED. Don't get me wrong... I love Edward so much... no, I don't know how to classify how I feel for him. That's how strong it is. It's too hard to describe, but love just doesn't seem like a powerful enough emotion. And yes, I do want to marry him... but it's so soon! Too soon! I'm so scared right now, I don't even know how I'm able to get up in the morning.

Edward and his stupid alternatives. I love him more than life itself and I'm trying to prove that to him, but then he throws the, "Marry me first," into the game. I was stuck. Of course I'll marry him! But why can't I become a Vampire first...? I just, don't understand it... I guess this was my choice though. If I want Edward to be the one to turn me, I have to marry him. It's just... what I have to do.

Living forever with Edward seems... so perfect... Like a dream come true... But (and I haven't mentioned this to anyone) I'm petrified. To think, I can live through being attacked by monsters, no problem, but the wedding and turning. I'm finally scared.

It's going to be painful, I know that. More painful than anything I could ever possibly imagine according to Edward, but it will pass. What I'm worried about is, well, what if I'm completely different? What if I rebel? What if Edward stops loving me?... What if he can't control himself when he turns me?

NO.
I can't think that way. I'm not helping myself any. Edward would never do that... on purpose. Oh my God. I can't do this. It's so hard. I mean, what if the wolves start a war?
Why? I don't know! It's just something to think about! If they miscalculated boundaries or something.
And drinking blood for the rest of eternity? ... I feel faint at the thought.

On the plus side, I will be with Edward until the end of time. Not to mention I will be graceful (for once), beautiful and talented. It can't be all that bad. Not even close, if Edward is there. As long as he's there, the rest doesn't matter.

I'll be leaving my family, my friends and my life behind. The Cullen's will be my purpose and Edward will be my life. Poor Charlie... poor Renee...

And once we leave, the werewolves will return to the way they once ere. They'll be human again... wont they? Jacob never told me if they'd be normal if the Vampires left. That's what gave them powers in the first place, so I'm only assuming.

Jacob... ouch... it hurts to write his name. It hurts to think his name. It just... hurts.
Different topic.

Rosalie came to talk to me the other day. It was so random and awkward. She said she wants to make amends with me. Why the sudden change of heart? I HAVE NO IDEA. None. It blew me away when I opened the door to see her standing there. She even offered to help with the wedding plans.

So now you know, when I said that the world has been flipped, I meant it.

Anyway, I think I just heard Charlie go to bed (a bit early...) so Edward should be here soon. I'd better go hide this thing under the loose floorboard before he comes in.

Bye, thanks for listening.